I was recently out with a guy friend/client and he said, “What’s with women just disappearing?! I’ll go on multiple dates with someone, things will get intimate (more than once)… and then, suddenly, she’ll disappear!”
My response was simple: “UGGGHH.”
In the age of SMS, AIM, email and mobile devices, why aren’t people (wo)manning-up and officially breaking things off with each other… saying sayonara instead of c’est la vie?
I asked a handful of men and women about this trend and they all pretty much said the same thing: they hate it when people disappear on them, yet they continue to disappear on people they’re not over the moon for. It’s horribly immature. Aren’t we supposed to treat others as we wish to be treated? Admittedly, I’ve pulled the disappearing act a few times (even recently).
Well my dears, I’m calling for CHANGE. Let us singletons start treating each other better: with respect.
Perhaps you met someone else, perhaps mister/miss so-and-so is a bad kisser, perhaps the spark is too dim or non-existent; whatever the reason, let us all send a short and sweet text/email to each other — at the very least.
No need to be brutally honest… just speak/write the distilled truth: “In all honesty, I’m not sure that we’re really the best romantic fit. But of course, I wish you the best.” Or whatever.
I know, it’s not going to be easy. “I just don’t feel that spark” spills out of my mouth when I’m talking to jerks but it’s almost impossible to tell the nice guys. I don’t have the heart to hurt them (which is wrong!). Telling each other to move on will save everyone time and energy. You won’t feel guilty about disappearing and they won’t spend hours over-analyzing every move they made during courtship. We all win.
Speaking of guilt, I’ve noticed a dating trend (at least in my life): “The Disappearing-Reappearing Act”.
People disappear, and then to my amazement, pop back up when you least expect them. I call them Pop-Tarts :)
Here’s what I think is going on: they want me to get the message that things are not going to progress on the dating front. Fine. Message received. However, they also want to do one (or more) other thing(s):
1. Make sure it’s not tremendously awkward if/when we run into each other again (a likely prospect in San Francisco)
2. Think that I’m valuable enough to want to ask a favor of in the future (networking is one of my best skills)
3. Send a “Hey, it’s not you, it’s me; let’s be friends” smoke signal. (A compliment of sorts… but not one a girl really wants.)
It’s the cowardly/brave, respectful/disrespectful thing to do. AGAIN, no fingers pointed. I act cowardly all the time. I just don’t pop back up… that’s the curious part.
I’m going to start expecting these Pop-Tarts though. I did the math and there is a pattern. Check out the real life proof:
Vacation Dude; 1 date = cancels second date, pops up 2 days later after we’ve gone home
Art Dude; 3 dates = pops up 10 days later
Tech Dude; 6 dates = pops up 20 days later
Ok, I’m actually bad at math. BUT there seems to be some correlation between the amount of time spent with someone and how long they wait to pop back up.
I’m suspicious of these text/email surprises and treat them all as ones and twos on the other-things-they’re-after list. (Though I should excuse Vacation Dude from that ruling as he doesn’t live anywhere near me). I don’t really care to craft a friendly text back to them, answer their question about how my week is going. It’s small talk and it’s pointless. I’ve already moved on. C’est la vie.